Waiting in the Wings




 There were whispers from God long before I became a Christian, even when I was little.

 




















Most of the time I was unaware of God, but I believed He was there somewhere. Occasionally it seemed He swept aside the veil between us and I was aware of Something More. It was not until I studied philosophy at university that I was persuaded to use my ‘common sense’ and become an atheist. (“Can you see him, Jeanette?” my philosophy tutor asked me in front of the tutorial group. “Can you hear Him?” I cringed with embarrassment. No, I couldn’t see or hear Him.) *


One night in Sydney, where I was involved in film-making and acting, I huddled, quivering with adrenalin, in a doorway in the Ensemble Theatre. I was waiting to rush on stage in the darkness between scenes, to collect a chair and some bits and pieces. It was theatre in the round, so there was no curtain. Just black-clad figures running in the dark, transforming the scene on stage.

The play was Rimers of Eldridge and in this scene the actors stood in rows, as if in church, singing a hymn about coming to a garden with dew on the roses, and talking to Jesus.

 
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Photos by Margaret J Smith


I’d heard this hymn every night for weeks as I worked regularly on the play as a drama student and one of the props workers.  Suddenly, this particular night, the words became real. Something stirred and whispered around me – or was it inside me?

I found myself thinking, what if there really were a God after all? And if you could actually talk to Him like a friend? He would understand the messes we made in life and the way we felt beneath our bravado. A wistful excitement filled me.

The thought lingered a few seconds, then fled, leaving a painful vacuum. I had never before noticed how empty I felt.

The music drew to a close and the lights faded. I ran on stage and the whole God-idea was gone. I went home that night looking, even feeling, much the same as before. Just a little more vulnerable.

But Divine fingerprints had been left on my heart.


·         See Jeanette’s Journallings  on jeanettegt.blogspot.com – My Journey into and out of Atheism

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